Monday, July 30, 2012

I Suffered, The Angels Came and I Conquered!

Ok, so we all know that I went in for another treatment last Thursday. Now that wasn't so bad, I slept through the whole thing. After I woke up they put me back to sleep, so why did they wake me up the first time? But the next time I woke up they didn't put me back to sleep but gave me some good drugs. I can understand now why so many Pugs turned to LSD in the 60's. So I spent the first day and night and the next day floating in and out and just enjoying myself, dozing off and on, having great dreams about Stan Milhous but eventually that stuff wears off. This is what happened when it wore off about 6:00 pm :

The first thing I saw was bars, now we all know I have done a little time for a few indiscretions in my life so bars are no stranger to me, but I also don't consider them my friend as many do, Turdley Tucker being one of those that love, love, loves his crate. Did I mention he also has the IQ of Joe Giudice?  Who I also suspect has been familiar with a few bars in his time. So I wussied it out some and started to whine, I am not proud of it,  but it's a fact.

Then I looked to the left and there was another occupied jail cell, I didn't know what that thing in it was but it was big, Mom told me later it was called a Doberman, she never told me what his crime was that landed him in the clinker. So I decided a little barking might be in order. That thing looked strong enough to break through those bars at any moment and get me.

I turned to the right thinking there might be another pug who could help me fend off the black monster. OMD this one was even scarier, Mom told me it was a corded poodle. I couldn't figure how why they had their mop locked up in a cage, then I noticed their mop had eyes. Now our mop at home doesn't have eyes so I am not afraid of it, but this was a different creature altogether. I also knew instantly that I wasn't going to get much help from that thing. I decide to kick it up a notch and howl some, that should have gotten some attention from the nurses there and a quick rescue should have been initiated at that point. A nurse appeared all right, what a relief, she opened the cell door and gave me some love, talked very nice and sweet, telling me everything was going to be alright and I would see my Mom the next morning about 8:00 am to just hang in there. She gave me a little shot to calm me down and I had a few more hours of floating and having nice dreams. At one point I might have even flirted a little with the black devil in the cell next to me, or it could have been the mop, I can't be sure. Unfortunately for me that stuff wore off too about 10:00 pm. All at once neither the mop or the black devil looked quite as sexy as they had, they were scary again. Then I looked across the room, more cells and more creatures, not a single pug ally in the bunch. I was on my own. I sure could have used some of ole' Hanklin's experience about then. I kept closing my eyes and telling myself, all my angel friends are here, they will protect me, they won't let harm come to me. That lasted about 10 minutes and then it hit me, I'm not sure how long it takes them to get here from the Rainbow Bridge, what if they don't make it before one of these creatures gets me? So I howl again, only louder this time. It got me the good stuff the last time, maybe it will work again. It got me the nurse and the loving alright but not the good juice, she said I had to be good and awake so my Mom could pick me up the next morning. Uh.... excuse me nursey but you do realize this stuff wears off in about 4 hours and it is only 10:00 pm, don't you?  So by my calculations I have two more times of the good juice and two hours to sober up before Mom gets here. So common, shoot me up with the good stuff again! Nothing, nada, zip, she wasn't buying it, just gave me a lame pain pill. Now I am not knocking the pain pill, it kept me from hurting, but it doesn't compare to the good juice. She gave me a few more rubs and kisses and told me to relax and then I heard the "clank" of the door again and she was gone. I took a short nap brought on by the lame pain pills, maybe about two hours and then I was awake again.

Then I hear Hanklin's voice in my ear saying "You know what you have to do little buddy, no more time to waste, this is war and you have to win" and I heard Payton telling me "Listen to Hank, he knows what he is talking about, he has been to war before". Then Tuni says "But the nurse is wearing pink and really sweet, maybe you should give her another chance", then I hear little Charlotte saying "Maybe you better listen to Tuni, she has been around a long time, she knows more than we do" Gracie was there and she sided with Tuni and Charlotte. But Yoda, well he tells me "Girl, you better listen to Hank and Payton, they know what a good fight is all about, you have to be winner, no time to be nice" Then I hear the rumblings of the Houston Pittie Pack coming and it all becomes clear, would they put up with this nonsense? Of course not! I knew just what to do there, surrounded by my friends. I pug screamed, started of slow and low and let it build until it was a full blown scream attack. I think I saw Hank and Payton smiling at me and gently nodding their heads.

4:30 am Mom's phone rang, she arose from the zombie sleep she enters, you know the one with her mouth hanging open and unrecognizable noises coming from it? She saw the name of the Vet and almost had a heart attack, as soon as she answered she claims she knew exactly what was coming next from the sounds in the background. The nurse tells her "Lola is doing so good that I am 100% positive she is ready to be released, would you like to come pick her up now?"  Translation:  "We can not shut this little bitch up would you please come and get her, she has half the place in an uproar and I can't stand another second of it". Mom said "At 4:30 in the morning, I am suppose to pick her up at 8:00 am?"  The nurse replies "Oh, I think she misses her Mommy and can't wait that long to see you." Translation: "If you don't get here soon we can not guarantee her safety, some of us are already to the snapping point." Mom could tell by the begging sound in her voice it was desperate so she gets up and goes to get me. You noticed I left out any part of getting dressed, didn't you? Yeah, my Mom shows up at the Vet in lime green flannel pajamas with monkeys all over them to get me. That was  like major embarrassment!

Me after a pain pill.

Yep, still feeling the effects of that pill!

Waking up a little

I'm getting there....

Ohhhh yeah......

Sobered up pretty fast when I fell off the back of the sofa.

How the hell did that happen anyway?

I'll just move on over to the table, maybe it won't move out from under me. Oh my, how embarrassing, you can see my slobbers on the arm of the sofa!

Now I have learned a new trick, Mom isn't sure how I picked it up and no one in this house is fessing up to teaching me. My lips are sealed. In this video she foiled my attempt but you will see what I have learned to do:

This is what I think of her attempt to spoil my fun!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

I Need Someone To Make A Call For Me! ASAP

I have tried to call myself, but I'm sure by now you have all noticed my size 16 feet, they don't dial well. I need someone to call Dog Protective Services (DPS) for me immediately. There are things going on in this house that I considered abuse and neglect and needs reporting.

1.    Mom took the clothes out of the dryer AFTER they cooled off, she knows better, she expects me to help her with laundry then the clothes better be warm.

2.    Mom didn't pick out the little stick looking things in my food, she knows that is her job. She actually had the nerve to tell me she didn't feel good and to eat around them for a change. Now I know her Fibro/Lupus is acting up but that is no excuse for expecting me to do this. It has always been her job not mine.

3.    I was not taken for a walk today, she said it was too hot for me to go outside. Hello! Has she not heard of water? She could fill up a spray bottle and walk behind me spraying me down from time to time to keep me cool, or attach a mini fan to my collar. Something. Anything.

4.    She let Turdley Tucker tear up one of my toys, she said it was by accident but with all the other abuse going on I am doubting her explanation.

5.    She made me get out of bed way too early this morning, telling me I had a vet appointment, only to bring me right back. I didn't see the man so I suspect that was a story to torture me too.

6.    She got on to me for taking the comforter, blankets and all the sheets off her bed. Is it my fault I like to lay on a cool mattress? I think not.

7.    She would not give me all four pillows from the sofa to lay on, said I only needed two of them and she would have two. I wanted all four of them.

8.    I got on the table and broke one little candle holder, she acted like the zombie apocalypse was upon us, fell apart and gave me a good talking too. Mumbling something about things like that wouldn't happen if I would learn to stay off of tables, blah, blah, blah. I never listen to all of what she is saying.

9.   She made fun of me because I was afraid of the cotton candy. Come on now who wouldn't be afraid of that stuff, it's there all nice, soft, pretty and looking delicious then you put it in your mouth and POOF! it's gone, instantly. Something  is not natural about that and I want nothing else to do with it or the bag it came in.

10.  She forgot to put my clean paper down this afternoon. She knows the routine, one in the morning, one in the afternoon and one at bedtime. But I had to suffer because of her laziness and *gulp* use the same paper twice. That is not sanitary and I am sure she is breaking some kind of  city code.

11.  She let My Boy spend the night with someone last night. She KNOWS I don't sleep well without My Boy being in the house.

12.  She did not share her french fries with me. I was looking all cute and everything. She is a cold hearted,woman!

13.  I did not drink the whole cup of coffee, I left almost a half a cup for her. But did she appreciate the fact that I thought to share it, no she just concentrated on the part that was missing.

14.  I accidently knocked the whole sofa over, I did not do it on purpose. I was doing the Pugtona and decided to practice little parkour while I was at it and bounce off the back of the sofa. How was I suppose to know the whole thing would flip?

15.  She won't let me get my ears pierced or even get a tattoo.

16.  She held me up in the mirror beside her, said it made her feel better since I have more wrinkles than she does. That was a direct insult on my beauty.

17.  She brought in this stray dog the other night, we can't have more than two where we live so she operates like the underground railroad, in after dark and out before sunrise. Now I have to admit it was a cute little thing but had a temper like Turdley Tucker. They got along great, but I didn't like that dog any better than I like him. These things should be cleared with me first.

18.  She laughs at me for trying to catch flies in mid air. The joke is going to be on her if I ever do manage to catch one of them.

19.  She forced me to take a bath.

20.  Then we have the improper use of toys, I personally think this would qualify as animal abuse and should be turned into the Nancy Grace show for further investigation and I want Judge Judy to be the judge when it goes to court.

Then we have a little matter of the embarrassing things she does:

1.    Her cell phone is in a, I hope I don't gag as I write this, pink rhinestone case. Trust me Paris Hilton she isn't! It's down right embarrassing to be seen with her carrying that thing around.

2.    She still refuses to give up the snowflake robe, despite my Sissy buying her two new ones to try and break the habit. Do you have any idea how silly she looks in the morning out on the balcony in a snowflake robe talking on that pink rhinestone phone before she has even brushed her hair? I just don't have words to describe it. She says no one can see her anyway on the second floor balcony, but what about me? I see her and it is an insult to my eyes.

3.    She fell down the steps. Again. This is becoming a habit with her, biggest clutz I have ever seen.

4.    She ate a whole slab of ribs all by herself the other night. I don't ever want to have to witness that again!

5.    She sings in the shower, loudly. Did I mention she couldn't carry a tune in bucket?

6.   She clips Turdley Tuckers nails outside. We all know he is afraid of anything having to do with going outside and turns into one of those fainting goats, only he doesn't fall over just gets stiff. If she clips them inside it takes two people to hold him and both are dodging those piranha teeth. So she takes him outside and lays him in her lap, looking for all the world like she is trimming the nails of some roadkill she has picked up with him stiff as a board and all four feet in the air. The other day a neighbor stopped to talked to her while she was trimming his nails (probably wondering why she just didn't let the taxidermist do it) when all at one he rolled his eyes to look at her and she almost had a heart attack. That dog is going to get a law suit thrown on us some day, he needs to go!

7.    Now she is trapping cats. Yes, cats *shudder*, someone dumped a whole bunch of black feral kittens and Mom and a couple others have been trying to catch them to get them to a shelter for proper care and treatment. But cats? Why isn't she out looking for feral pugs to help?

8.  Has she mentioned her black eye?  Yeah, didn't think so. Silly woman got up to go to the bathroom and forgot she had shut the bathroom door and ran straight into it, between the sound of her hitting the door and the cussing it sounded like WWIII had started in the bathroom. I told her it could all have been avoided if she would just learn to use the pads like I do.

So please, someone call DPS for me and have her investigated. I don't think a good psychiatrist would be out of the question either. Just sayin'