Friday, January 18, 2013

A Few Issues to Address

Yesterday I got up and Mom ask me if I wanted to go outside for a minute, I'm all excited and get my coat on. First she lets me out on the back balcony:

What the hell is that white stuff floating around? I want back in the house and NOW!

Then she takes me to the front :

See it? It's there too!!! I can't figure this out, but I'm kinda liking the feel of it hitting my head, yet I still don't quite trust it, the good feeling could be just a trick. I decide the only thing to do is attack it. I tried my best to catch every single one of those white floaty things before they could hit the ground.  Mom said it was called snow. Not sure I believe her, we live in Alabama and that is a very strange word here. Times like this I could sure use ole' Hanklin to help me figure this out. He would know what this stuff is and just how to fight it off.

A Day In The Life Of Tucker:

I have told you all from the beginning he just isn't right in the head, but then I don't suppose many Chupacabra's are.  Me?  I am up bright and early, can't take a chance on missing something. Tucker refuses to leave Mom's bed until at least 2 in the afternoon. Just what the hell is he doing in there all that time? But get this, it gets worse. When Mom gets up she turns the fan on low, fixes about four pillows just right, makes sure the comforter is pulled up just the way he likes it and turns the television on for him. Spoiled much? Then around 2 in the afternoon he wanders into the living room and spends the rest of the day just like this:

Goes straight to the couch and gets all comfy, notice Mom has a comforter for him there too, she says it's because he is a naked Chi and since he has very little fur he gets cold easy. I say he is just a spoiled brat.

In true Chupacabra fashion he lets out a big yawn, because it isn't like he hasn't already slept all day or anything! Looking at him you would think he had done a full days work, guess it takes a lot of energy walking down that hallway.

Within five minutes flat this is what you see. Asleep again! Laziest creature I have ever seen.

I have always suspected Tucker was a little fru-fru, I now have proof. What self respecting male dog that isn't gay would wear this for Christmas? Worse yet, I think he is posting more pictures of his fru-fru on his blog. I have nothing against being gay, but damn, come out of the closet man. Own it!

Crisis Situation

I am in a crisis situation here and don't know how much longer I can keep the fight up. I give it my best and to date I am winning, three of them couldn't hold me down for this non-sense. I simply refuse to let this happen to me. Mom has this nail polish and she thinks I need to wear it too. I'm just not a blue kind of girl and this is the first one she tried to put on me because she thought it would be cute if we matched. Hey, I'm a Pug not an Olsen twin for God's sake!!!! I don't need to match anyone. Just because she likes to wear the ugly stuff doesn't mean I do.

Then it gets worse and she moves on to her "Lady Ga-Ga" phase and actually thought I would wear this hot mess. Seriously, do I look or act like a sparkly kind of girl?

So I have decided they have all gone mad around here and I have to do something about it so I got my book  out and am reading diligently to try and figure out how to handle the situation:

Please take note that all toenails are natural! I will conquer these fools and cure them of what ever organism is eating their brains away and causing them to have these foolish ideas and possibly do some behavior modification. 

Sunday, December 2, 2012

The Moral of Thanksgiving

OK, so last week we had this holiday called Thanksgiving, I'm sure you have all heard of it. I must admit the symbol of a turkey is far more attractive to me than the fat man in the red suite, but that's a different story. That turkey never complains about being eaten, I know, I know he's already dead and can't complain but still you would at least think he would be standing in the pen screaming "Take Turkey Todd, he is a lot fatter than me!!!" But he takes it like a man and just stands there until they scoop him up. Yep, I have respect for that Thanksgiving turkey I ate this year.

Turns out the fat man in the red suite doesn't like it when cute baby pugs, OK I admit I exaggerated, big fat pugs with attitude, there I confessed, you happy? Anyway this fat man get's a wee bit upset when you grab his beard and make a run for it, it went quite some distance before I lost control of my end and it snapped back on his face. Damn elastic! I really liked that beard and wanted it for my very own. Now I am in trouble with Mom again for trying to steal and she says she isn't taking me to PetSmart to see Santa this year. She is in there grumbling about how she hopes her next pug is fit to take in public without some major embarrassment or theft going on.

She has been a little upset since I got into the carton of whippy and ate all of it, then did the pugtona until I had time to lick it off my face before she could catch me and wash that beautiful nectar off, I didn't want to miss one single lick of that whippy! Oh yeah, oh yeah! I won, I won! Advise to all pug Mom's out there, don't put the whippy on the bottom shelf of the fridge. WE can reach it and WE can open it. Again I was accused of theft.

But I digress, back to Thanksgiving. We had a bunch of people in our house. At first I was excited to see all those purses flowing in the door, I figured I could rifle through all of them before being caught because everyone was busy. But Mom outsmarted me, she had them all put in a bedroom and the door shut. No she din't! Yes, she did! Of course she also announces that I am a thief and will steal something if they aren't behind closed doors. Where is this woman's head,? I could have had her a nice stash by the time they all left, all safe and sound under the blanket in my crate. She told me later it was more than a little embarrassing to have to explain what the noise was as I was body slamming that door to get in the room.

Then there were the feet. I suggest if you don't want a pug to sniff your toes then leave your damn shoes on! I do think the one guy, the really ugly one learned his lesson when he kicked out at me over it and Mom literally had a "Come to Jesus" meeting with him in front of everyone.

And people, people, people if you don't want the pug following you outside the door every time it is opened then don't open the stupid thing. I WILL watch for my chance and I WILL take it. I'm pretty sure all PetSmart stores teach a  "How To Exit Any Door With a Pug In The Room" class. Sign up.

As far as circling the table while your eating, please remember I could have been rude and jumped up on you barking, but I didn't. I was simply protecting Mom's floor and your health. I looked at you people and some of you didn't have the look of intelligence emanating from you, how could I be sure you didn't try to eat the silverware too and need CPR or something? Some of you had mouths far bigger than mine so I was pretty sure half of anything you ate was going to end up on Mom's clean floor, I was simply on guard for any stray food that hit the floor. Otherwise Mom is going to bring out that damn mop and I really hate that mop. I was hoping Mom would snap and just kill the screaming babies, oh my God, I can't even describe the screaming babies! Now the quite babies were Ok, except I did have a little problem telling the difference between chubby Evan and the turkey, it was only the movement of his head that kept it straight for me.

I did rather like it when Mom got tired of the "she's so ugly she's cute", "she looks like she ran into a car", "how do they breath", "they don't even look like a real dog, more like a monkey", etc. comments and told everyone I was her baby and she thought I was beautiful, just like they mistakenly think their kids are beautiful. She told them that one more word relating to my looks would cause her to have to start taking pot shots at their kids and she would tell them exactly what she thought of the way their kids look. Since Mom isn't a kid person this could  have ended really nasty. But they all got the not so subtle hint Mom gave and stopped with the comments.

Now old Turdley was in Mom's room behind closed doors when all this was going on because he has a touch of Hannibal Lector in him and can't be trusted not to rip out an ankle, he would do more but unfortunately ankles are all he can reach. I really liked how Mom "delayed" the guy at the door that had been rudest about me the whole day, just long enough for My Boy to go open her bedroom door and release the beast aka The Chupacabra. Who, as expected, made a beeline for the ankles.  I doubt he comes back to visit anytime soon.

So the moral of Thanksgiving is:
You just don't mess with my Mom over her babies.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Discussions With Mom About My "Habits"

It's been a long time since I have posted, it's all Mom's fault. She has been blah, blah, blah...depressed...blah. There enough said.

I also had a rather nasty round with my last treatment and spent about a week in the hospital and had to have some extra things done. But right now I'm doing pretty good and can even play with the Chupacabra again, when I want too, which isn't often. I am a little worried thought that they gave me something at the hospital because I find myself being much nice to him since I have been home. I could understand if they did, it would be a fair payback. I do no care what rumors you have heard I was relatively good. You steal one little tube of mascara out of some vet tech's coat and they act like you are ready for San Quentin. Ok, maybe I did  a little more than steal a tube of mascara. You see they had a problem this time, any other time I pug scream and they call my Mommy to come get me. They don't even care what she wears as long as she shows up. But this time they couldn't call Mommy because I had to be monitored. I guess they decided just letting me run wild through the place was better than hear me pug scream so in the daytime they let me loose in the back office and at night I had full run of the place. Do you realize how much there is to get into in a Vet's office? I had no idea there was such a multitude of treasures in there! I did wrong, I know I did, but it was me that left the coats, purses and files within reach. The first afternoon I decided to check out the desk, someone had thoughtfully left me some reading material on the desk, since I don't read I simply shredded it. They brushed it off with a "at least we also keep a hard copy of records on the computer" One of them even kissed the top of my head and told me it was alright and that I was still a good girl. She changed her mind when I got in her purse and ate her lunch money. Oh, and the vet, he left his jacket on the back of a chair and I found the most wondrous treat in the pocket. Chewing gum! He said I was very polite the way I didn't eat the paper, only ate his whole pack of gum and that most dogs would have ate the paper too. I might have gotten away with that one by blaming the quiet little dog that was also running loose, but they caught me red handed with the gum in the fur of my folds. I figured out I could snake my tongue in the side of the cages of those that have not learned to use pug screaming to their advantage yet, and when I got all their toys close enough I pulled them through the bars and made a big pile of them on the floor. I dared anyone to touch that pile of toys. Hey, I worked for them!  Now Mom is scared to death if I ever have to stay the night again they are going to make her stay with them. That is where all we be well with the world again, because they don't realize she doesn't go anywhere without the little Chupucabra, I figured a couple ripped out ankles from him and they will realize I am easier to handle, or at least friendlier and send Mom and the creature home leaving me to run my pugtona's free in my House of Treasures yet again.

Just to prove I can get along with Tucker, here is some pictures:

He is always sticking his nose where it don't belong!

He is a pervert, that is why I try to eat him.

Oh, wait a minute, this might not be so bad after all.....

Video's that Mom can't even remember what was on, sadly she just took them a couple nights ago, a senior moment.

 Now Mom says we have a little discussion to have. Oh how I love her little discussions, I pretent to listen but really ignore her and she goes off feeling like she has just solved the problems of the world. Such a simple soul, my Mom. She thinks we need to discuss my habits of thinking my but can't lay in the floor like other dogs, I disagree. I think my system is working out fine.
See how much attention I am paying to her little talk?

Still pretending to pay attention!

Now she is just plain boring me!

Seriously Mom your going to bring up the revenge poop too? I am going to sleep! The back of the couch works fine for me. Maybe a little stank eye will make her go away.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Oh Dear God, Another One!!!

I was minding my own business as I usually do and then what happens to disturb my peace? Mom brings in a stray dog. He is a full blooded MinPin and I do have to admit he is a little stranger looking than Tucker, my God this new boy has nose on him, and get this he doesn't have a tail!

At first I wanted to eat him as much as I want to eat Tucker. But this boy is different, instead of dramatically  falling down, rolling on his back and screaming like Prissy from "Gone With The Wind" he stood his ground. I didn't phase him a bit with all my growls and jumps at him. I respect that in a dog so I decided we might could be friendly. Hell, I even let him sniff my butt and I don't like anyone sniffing my butt. After some major butt sniffing and circling we began to play. I know I lost a little street cred but I had fun with that boy. Now Mom knows I am not dog aggressive like she feared I am just aggressive to Prissy dogs like he Chupacabra.

More proof that Tucker is a Chupacabra:

So back to the new boy. I do have a problem he is very protective of the Chupacabra, maybe those gigantic ears they both have bond them or something, but somehow behind my back, probably during those times I have to be kept away from Tucker, they managed to become BFF's. It's a little sickening. But if Mom takes Tucker to give him his medicine or into another room he cries and cries until she brings him back to where he can see him again. I'll just have to live with it. At least I can be friends with him too and have someone to play with too. I did hear some disturbing whispers today, Mom and My Boy are talking about putting the three of us together to see if the new boy will protect Tucker from me and I will learn not to attack Tucker. Never, I say, never will that work.

Here is a picture of the new boy, Mom is going to start a blog for him too.

Meet Bentley Chance (how corny is that, it's because he is a rescue and got a second chance, did I mention Mom is still crazy?)

Mom says this one shows his pretty color better.

Yeah, didn't take him long to make himself right at home. You are noticing that he is on one of My pillows, aren't you?

Mom calls this a miracle:

Mom did get some good news. I have to go this week and a get a shot that they didn't tell Mom about when I started these treatments, she was a little upset cause they aren't cheap but then she called the vet to find out what they are and now she is excited. It seems I am doing really good and my clotting is holding almost like a normal diva now. I have this shot these week but it is in preparation of something really good. I have a full treatment in September, another one of these shots in October and then a full treatment in November. The shots are to prepare for my port removal, removing my port means no more treatments! So it looks like unless I have some major set back and the vet says that isn't going to happen with the way my blood looks now. So it looks like I have two shots and two treatments left and in the November treatment he is taking out my port. He said I may have to go once or twice a year for a shot, but there is a possibility I won't need them, just to keep things on track but that's minor compared to these treatments.

Wanna see my fabulous self?

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Interview With Lola

I sat the girl down today and we had a serious talk, it started off trying to figure out the revenge shit every time I go out on my balcony and leave her in the house and well it progressed from there:

1.   Me: Lola, why in the hell do you feel the need to shit in front of the refrigerator each and every time I go out. The other day I waited until you ate, then you shit a Great Dane size shit on your paper. I thought it was then safe to go outside. I wasn't gone 10 minutes and what do I find? Three tiny turds about the size of an M&M each in front of the refrigerator! I almost wish I could have seen you straining to get them out, your bowels had to have been completely empty.

Lola:  I really don't see the problem here. It was't like I ask you to come in and strain for me. I managed very well thank you and will continue this habit until you learn to take me outside with you. It is not negotiable. Besides it was only three tiny turds, how hard was that to pick up?

2.    Me: Why do you do the things you do?

Lola: Obviously you don't listen to Hank Williams Jr., I do it because it's a family tradition. Passed on from pug to pug for many generations.

3.   Me: Why do you have to go to the bathroom with me every time I go?

Lola: Seriously? You really ask me that? Mom you can't walk across the room by yourself with causing self harm in some way. Do you really think I would trust you with your bowels and kidneys? Those are things your going to always need. You can learn to do things with them, just look at what all I have learned using just those two body organs.

4.   Me: Ok, so tell me why you throw a fit about getting your nails trimmed?

Lola: No comment

5.   Me: What do you think of the way the world is today?

Lola: I don't give it much thought silly woman, I'm a damn dog. Ask me again when the dog food and treat factories go down and we will have something to discuss on this subject.

6.   Me: Why do you think you have to have every pillow on the bed or couch?

Lola: Have you looked in the mirror lately? Your days for needing your beauty sleep are way over, mine             are just beginning. Do you really want me to go on with this one?

7.   Me: Why do you hate Tucker and want to eat him?

Lola: Look Mom, just because you think he is cute doesn't mean everyone does. He is a blood sucking chupacabra leech.

8.   Me: Why don't you do tricks?

Lola: Why don't you? You might could buy more treats then.

9.   Me: Why are you scared of something one day and then not afraid of the same thing the next day?

Lola: How do I know it didn't become possessed during the night?

10.  Me: Why do you get into things your not suppose to have?

Lola: Because all things in and around this house belong to me only. I have the right to get into them. What makes you think you have the right to take them away from me?

11.  Lola....Lola....Lola! Come back here, we have a lot more to talk about. I'm not finished yet.

Lola: I am

Monday, July 30, 2012

I Suffered, The Angels Came and I Conquered!

Ok, so we all know that I went in for another treatment last Thursday. Now that wasn't so bad, I slept through the whole thing. After I woke up they put me back to sleep, so why did they wake me up the first time? But the next time I woke up they didn't put me back to sleep but gave me some good drugs. I can understand now why so many Pugs turned to LSD in the 60's. So I spent the first day and night and the next day floating in and out and just enjoying myself, dozing off and on, having great dreams about Stan Milhous but eventually that stuff wears off. This is what happened when it wore off about 6:00 pm :

The first thing I saw was bars, now we all know I have done a little time for a few indiscretions in my life so bars are no stranger to me, but I also don't consider them my friend as many do, Turdley Tucker being one of those that love, love, loves his crate. Did I mention he also has the IQ of Joe Giudice?  Who I also suspect has been familiar with a few bars in his time. So I wussied it out some and started to whine, I am not proud of it,  but it's a fact.

Then I looked to the left and there was another occupied jail cell, I didn't know what that thing in it was but it was big, Mom told me later it was called a Doberman, she never told me what his crime was that landed him in the clinker. So I decided a little barking might be in order. That thing looked strong enough to break through those bars at any moment and get me.

I turned to the right thinking there might be another pug who could help me fend off the black monster. OMD this one was even scarier, Mom told me it was a corded poodle. I couldn't figure how why they had their mop locked up in a cage, then I noticed their mop had eyes. Now our mop at home doesn't have eyes so I am not afraid of it, but this was a different creature altogether. I also knew instantly that I wasn't going to get much help from that thing. I decide to kick it up a notch and howl some, that should have gotten some attention from the nurses there and a quick rescue should have been initiated at that point. A nurse appeared all right, what a relief, she opened the cell door and gave me some love, talked very nice and sweet, telling me everything was going to be alright and I would see my Mom the next morning about 8:00 am to just hang in there. She gave me a little shot to calm me down and I had a few more hours of floating and having nice dreams. At one point I might have even flirted a little with the black devil in the cell next to me, or it could have been the mop, I can't be sure. Unfortunately for me that stuff wore off too about 10:00 pm. All at once neither the mop or the black devil looked quite as sexy as they had, they were scary again. Then I looked across the room, more cells and more creatures, not a single pug ally in the bunch. I was on my own. I sure could have used some of ole' Hanklin's experience about then. I kept closing my eyes and telling myself, all my angel friends are here, they will protect me, they won't let harm come to me. That lasted about 10 minutes and then it hit me, I'm not sure how long it takes them to get here from the Rainbow Bridge, what if they don't make it before one of these creatures gets me? So I howl again, only louder this time. It got me the good stuff the last time, maybe it will work again. It got me the nurse and the loving alright but not the good juice, she said I had to be good and awake so my Mom could pick me up the next morning. Uh.... excuse me nursey but you do realize this stuff wears off in about 4 hours and it is only 10:00 pm, don't you?  So by my calculations I have two more times of the good juice and two hours to sober up before Mom gets here. So common, shoot me up with the good stuff again! Nothing, nada, zip, she wasn't buying it, just gave me a lame pain pill. Now I am not knocking the pain pill, it kept me from hurting, but it doesn't compare to the good juice. She gave me a few more rubs and kisses and told me to relax and then I heard the "clank" of the door again and she was gone. I took a short nap brought on by the lame pain pills, maybe about two hours and then I was awake again.

Then I hear Hanklin's voice in my ear saying "You know what you have to do little buddy, no more time to waste, this is war and you have to win" and I heard Payton telling me "Listen to Hank, he knows what he is talking about, he has been to war before". Then Tuni says "But the nurse is wearing pink and really sweet, maybe you should give her another chance", then I hear little Charlotte saying "Maybe you better listen to Tuni, she has been around a long time, she knows more than we do" Gracie was there and she sided with Tuni and Charlotte. But Yoda, well he tells me "Girl, you better listen to Hank and Payton, they know what a good fight is all about, you have to be winner, no time to be nice" Then I hear the rumblings of the Houston Pittie Pack coming and it all becomes clear, would they put up with this nonsense? Of course not! I knew just what to do there, surrounded by my friends. I pug screamed, started of slow and low and let it build until it was a full blown scream attack. I think I saw Hank and Payton smiling at me and gently nodding their heads.

4:30 am Mom's phone rang, she arose from the zombie sleep she enters, you know the one with her mouth hanging open and unrecognizable noises coming from it? She saw the name of the Vet and almost had a heart attack, as soon as she answered she claims she knew exactly what was coming next from the sounds in the background. The nurse tells her "Lola is doing so good that I am 100% positive she is ready to be released, would you like to come pick her up now?"  Translation:  "We can not shut this little bitch up would you please come and get her, she has half the place in an uproar and I can't stand another second of it". Mom said "At 4:30 in the morning, I am suppose to pick her up at 8:00 am?"  The nurse replies "Oh, I think she misses her Mommy and can't wait that long to see you." Translation: "If you don't get here soon we can not guarantee her safety, some of us are already to the snapping point." Mom could tell by the begging sound in her voice it was desperate so she gets up and goes to get me. You noticed I left out any part of getting dressed, didn't you? Yeah, my Mom shows up at the Vet in lime green flannel pajamas with monkeys all over them to get me. That was  like major embarrassment!

Me after a pain pill.

Yep, still feeling the effects of that pill!

Waking up a little

I'm getting there....

Ohhhh yeah......

Sobered up pretty fast when I fell off the back of the sofa.

How the hell did that happen anyway?

I'll just move on over to the table, maybe it won't move out from under me. Oh my, how embarrassing, you can see my slobbers on the arm of the sofa!

Now I have learned a new trick, Mom isn't sure how I picked it up and no one in this house is fessing up to teaching me. My lips are sealed. In this video she foiled my attempt but you will see what I have learned to do:

This is what I think of her attempt to spoil my fun!