Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Not Quite So Wordless Wednesday

I know it is Wordless Wednesday but this is my Mom we are talking about and I have never seen even that first sign that the woman knows the meaning of "wordless".

So I am wandering around in my bedroom, even though Mom calls it the guest room it has MY stuff in it so I say it qualifies as MY bedroom. Since Mom hadn't got in here yet to make the bed I decided to help. I did have to pause at one point and bark because Other Pug showed up, this time in the television screen. I'm going to catch him someday and when I do it won't be pretty!

Helping Mom make the bed in MY room. My shirt says "Born Fabulous" and you just know it's true! Oh and those aren't fat rolls around my neck, I prefer to say I am just a little fluffy.

After attempting to help Mom by making the bed I was really tired and thought a nap was in order.

Notice I am at the end of the bed? That's because I am still guarding Other Pug.

To hell with Other Pug, I need sleep!

I did enjoy that nap!

Time to clean the ole' face...

Hmmm....I think I need to get a little higher up... wait...maybe I need to go wider....

Think I will wander over here and see what Mom is up too.

Nothing very interesting, I will move on...

But not before letting Mom know how I feel about her letting people sleep in MY bedroom.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Sweet Revenge

The missing victim...Kitty Kat

I go to bed last night and take my new green Kitty Kat with me. I wake up this morning and my Kitty Kat is gone! Disappeared into thin air. I'm frantic, because...well... that Kitty Kat is mine and no one else's. I search in Mom's bed, behind the doors, in the bathroom, under the beds, in My Boy's tennis shoes, in the pockets of Mom's scrubs, behind the pillows, just everywhere, everywhere I could possibly think of.  I even sucked it up and went into the dreaded crate to see if it was there, I had to entertain the possibility that my Kitty Kat had a moment of weakness and wandered in there. No Kitty Kat. No Kitty Kat anywhere! He's gone, gone forever!!

So I'm  like all depressed and Mom's like all "Cheer up Lola, he's in here, he didn't suddenly animate and start walking". Then I am like all "Mom he's run away, I'm never going to see him again" and she's like all "Lola, get over it, the damn Kitty Kat will turn up somewhere in this house".  I didn't see that attitude the other night when she misplaced that glass of wine, but I digress.

So I am following her down the hall, moping and then I saw it:

Look, right there under the tree....see it?

Need a close up?

Now there is only one way this could have happened. Turdly Tucker. He sneaked in while I was asleep and took my Kitty Kat away to play with! Only problem is the little banshee didn't have enough sense to bring it back so I wouldn't notice. Mom says "Don't jump to conclusions, it might not have been Tucker". Yeah, Ok Mom, some homeless man wandered in off the street, got my Kitty Kat and then laid under the tree to chew on it. Was that the same guy that came in and took your glass of wine the other day? I didn't notice the nasty chihuahua smells all over my Kitty Kat!

I see only one solution. This is Turdly Tucker's favorite Scottie Dog toy. I'm going to play with it all day and just dare him to get close to me. I may just chew it up.

Front side..

Back side..

Monday, November 28, 2011

Kidnappers and Pumpkin Pie

What a weekend! Our company came and wonder of wonders they didn't even notice the clean carpet Mom obsessed so over last week. But they brought gifts! That was the important thing. I got a new lambie and a new green "Something". Mom says she will fill me in whenever she figures out what the hell it is suppose to be. Tucker got stuff too, but really who wants to hear about him? My Boy got some new game for that loud ass XBox he plays and it has even more death and destruction than the first part of the game did. Mom thinks he may be in training to be the next serial killer or interstate sniper to hit the newspapers. She says he is a Nancy Grace story just waiting to happen. Mom got gifts too. I find it amusing that she didn't analyze those gifts a little better. I think there was a personal message behind them. Either that or my Sissy is enabling Mom.  Anyway, Sissy bought her a new robe so now she can lay around the house in fuzz trimmed in satin instead of snowflakes. This is better, how? She also got some very expensive perfume. We all know you can't lay around the house stinking up everything. Somehow she just feels less lazy and more attractive when she sprays a little perfume on before taking up residence on the couch for the day. I say a bum is a bum no matter how you try to fancy her up!

There was some excitement here Friday night. The turkey tried to kill Mom. At least that is what I saw. It was in the oven and the house was smelling all pugalicious. About 3am Mom decides to go antagonize the turkey and it fought back. She pulled it out of the oven, pulled back the shiny stuff and poured some hot broth over it. Must have pissed that turkey off about right because as she was putting it back in the oven the pan tilted, the hot broth poured over both of Mom's feet, Mom screamed, Sissy thought she was being attacked by mysterious kitchen monsters and came running, she slipped in the grease on the floor and fell. Tucker and I are in heaven and having a floor licking contest all around the both of them. Mom looks at Sissy and Sissy looks back and they both just lay back on the greasy floor and dissolve into very loud laughter. This is when Sissy's fiance comes into the picture. He looks at the both of them and the mess and you can almost hear him thinking "This is what I am marrying into?". I am telling you the man had a look of pure fear on his face. Mom said he would probably sneak out before we all woke up the next morning never to be heard from again. He didn't, he was still there and I am sure he just can't wait to have Christmas with us.

The next day we loaded up all that pugalicious food and we went to Sissy #2's house for dinner. She gets #2 status in my book because she is a cat person. It's our family's dirty little secret, something we don't admit in public. I had pumpkin pie with whippy, I enjoyed it even if  The Thanksgiving Scrooge didn't give me the crust that should have come with it. I also had turkey. I almost hated to eat that turkey since I did admire it so much for putting up such a good fight the night before. But after all I am a pug and my admiration can only go so far. I also got some green beans and some sweet potato casserole, ole' Turkey Scrooge took the nuts off the top of that too. She said nuts are only good for causing trouble. She said she was NOT referring to her ex louse but I'm not so sure. After dinner and more visiting Mom, My Boy,  Sissy and Sissy's fiance came back to our house and settled in to watch movies. I just layed around the rest of the night and shared my essence in the form of farts with everyone close to me. But so did Mom (even though she did tried to be sneaky with it, ole' Tuck would stick up his nose and give her away every time) which may be the reason we were the only two laying on the big couch and everyone else opted for the floor. Me and Mom. We are a good pair. We get each other.

I did live under the threat of kidnapping for four days. Sissy and her fiance said they were going to steal me because I am so cute and cuddly. I must admit I was very impressed with all the body massages, toys, treats and kisses I got from those two! Not to mention I could do no wrong, everything I did they thought was so funny and cute. Of course I really showed off too knowing I had such a captive audience. They even made excuses for me a couple of times when I got in trouble. I'm pretty sure Mom didn't really buy the story that Sissy is the one that actually knocked the trash can over and licked the inside of all the cans that were in it.  I also don't think she believed that Sissy was the one that brought the dirty underwear into the living room and left it in the middle of the floor while company was here either. But it was nice of her to take the rap for me. They tried to sneak me out when they were leaving but Mom caught them. I had to stay with Mom, you all know her history, who else is going to appreciate and love her sluggish ways like I do?

It's all good.

Sissy likes to hold me, she says I am like holding a rag doll. Notice the tongue? I was getting sleepy.

She forced me to take this picture. The evidence is the blurry foot, I was trying to make my get away.

I give in, I'm too sleepy to fight the camera anymore.

Finding it hard to hold my head up. Why won't these people let me go to sleep?!

Nothing like a pug massage to relax you!

I can just sense it, she is moving in to kiss me...

Pretty sure she is admiring my beauty here...

She gives up and rocks me to sleep...

Now she is getting ready to lay down and cuddle with me. I love me some cuddles!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving!

See how excited I am over all my friends?!

I want to wish a happy and food plenty Thanksgiving to all my friends here on Blogger, Sunshine Club and Pug Sluts!

Blanket Monsters and Elbows

It's well known around here that I like blankets and hate elbows. My elbow fetish came early in life. My Boy would play rough with me, which I loved, but the woman being her nosy fun ruining self stepped in. She told My Boy not to use his hands when playing rough with me because she didn't want me to become a hand nipper. How did that work out for you, Mom? My Boy wasn't about to give up our fun so he became inventive, he used his elbow instead. I think Mom had using toys in mind when she told him that, but we don't always listen to her. Do you blame me? I mean seriously now, she is the one that declared no treats before breakfast, always on the leash when outside, no chewing on shoes, no poop eating, no tongue when kissing and always use condoms. OK, those last two may be for My Boy but you get the idea.

Yesterday while Mom was busy flitting around the house trying to look busy she came in the living room and caught me and My Boy playing. I was already getting a little tired because we had been playing for a while so you don't get to see me in full frenzy but she promises that some day she is going to catch the beginning of one of the Blanket Monster's attacks so you can appreciate how "scary" I am.

Mom wants me to tell you that The Boy really does have better clothes, he always drags out these hideous jeans.

I was so tired after playing I slept for a long time on my Blanket Monster costume.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Preparing For Company=Crazier Than Usual Mom

Because Mom was too lazy to take a new picture of me today, you get a repeat.

It's no secret that my Mom is just not quite right about 99.9% of the time, it's just something we have learned to live with. But the last few days have been about as close to "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" as you can get around here. She hasn't even blogged.  So today I will attempt to catch you up. We are having company for turkey week and Mom says we have to prepare. I guess you just can't take the chance on people knowing how you REALLY live so in the human world they initiate a massive cover up mission. As for myself I don't really care. All I worry about is if they bring me treats when they come. They don't bring treats then they deserve to have to look at my turds on the potty pads all day. It's just basic manners, you never come without bringing the pug something to eat or play with.  Everybody knows that.  It all started on Friday.

Friday: Nurse Ratched gets up Friday already in a pissy mood. She gets dressed, I know that is hard to believe, but do scrubs and crocs really count? She flies out the door and comes back. She forgot her purse. She flies out the door and comes back. She forgot her reading glasses. She flies out the door and comes back. She forgot her phone. She flies out the door and doesn't come back. Since she didn't return for it I can only assume she left it on the coffee table for my chewing pleasure. I ate the stethoscope. You guys have to get you one of those things, man was it fun! Later she comes back and she is complaining about a stupid pharmacist that didn't know his scheduled drug list, wasted time, her favorite ER dr not being happy with the stupid pharmacist either, the rain, the traffic, her lunch order being messed up. She didn't have a good day. We all have them, get over it Mom. Fortunately for me it took her a few hours to notice the stethoscope. Mom wasn't happy, she said it was going to take a whole lot of treat money to replace it. What?! I have to pay for it? No way should I be the one that has to pay for it out of my treat money. I didn't leave it out. I'm going to discuss this with my Sissy's fiance when he gets here, he is an attorney and I am beginning to see I am going to need some legal representation over this one.

Saturday: Oh Lord, the woman got it in her head to clean carpets. Do you know what a carpet cleaner or vacuum does to me? Might as well give me some crack, I go crazy. Double whammy. She is going to vacuum before she cleans it. So Mom and I vacuum the house. She pushes the thing around and my job is to howl, scream and attack it until she is finished. Tucker, not being the brightest crayon in the box, only barks at the thing when it is turned off. He tucks tail and hides while it is on. Out comes the fun wet part! You can really slide on the kitchen floor when you have just ran across wet carpet so I am excited. Mom gets it all ready, furniture is moved out of the way, shampoo in the machine and we are all set. Then...nothing. Silence. The stupid thing won't come on and has trapped all that lovely bubbly water in it's stomach. I wanted it to vomit that water up and I wanted it to do it right then! It didn't. So Mom has to have it fixed and the fun is put off for another day. Good news is My Boy fixed it that night. We turn our attention to laundry instead.

Sunday: Pick up day! I don't quite get this concept of picking up so you can clean up, isn't it really the same thing? Why does it have to have it's own label? I'm thinking it's so Mom can say she did two things instead of one making it sound like she worked a lot harder than she actually did. That way she has an excuse for going out to eat. I don't like "out to eats" because I don't get to go and Miss Piggy isn't that great about leaving any food on the plate to bring home to me. Oh, she tries to blame it on the food, saying Mexican food isn't good for me anyway. Hello? I enjoy a good chili relleno too you know! So off they went to go eat. Wouldn't you know it, she comes home and declares she is now too full to do anything else. Who else saw that one coming? I could have pointed out to her that IF she had left a little on her plate for me then she wouldn't have been so full. Instead I just look at her in disgust and go chew on my de-stuffed chicken. Unlike her, I will just have to pretend there is meat on those floppy chicken legs. Life can be so unfair for a pug.

Monday: She leaves the house again and this time manages to actually leave without her usual "coming backs". She is gone and gone and gone. Big Brother, aka the video cam, watches my every move while she is gone. I really hate those smart phones that give her the ability to see what I am doing while she is gone. She ever figures out how to make that thing portable I am in big trouble! She threatens to put a collar on me and duct tape the camera to me. I think I can fight her off. When she comes home it is a wonderous sight! She has been to the grocery store. There isn't much I like better than Mom coming home from the grocery store. There are bags and bags of foodables everywhere, it's almost as good as going to Pet Smart. Then she tells me the groceries are for turkey dinner and not for me. Broke my heart. You would think the wench could throw a pickle in my direction or something. Anything. Did she really have to be that rude about it? My Boy saved the day, he had got me a big ole' box of my favorite thing in the world. Cheez-It's!!!! Yeah, I know what your thinking, but it's really just a technicality that Mom actually paid for them. What counts is My Boy remembered my Cheez-It's!

Tuesday: She says today is the day. Today we are going to really start getting this place in order because we are running out of time and our company will be here on Wednesday night. I really don't know who she thinks she is fooling. I mean, these people grew up in this house with Mom, they know she always frantically cleans before company comes. She isn't going to fool them into thinking it is ALWAYS this clean and shiny. They know better. Does she think someone zaps their brains when they grow up and move out?  Clearing out all those memories they have of having to participate in the "before company cleaning frenzy" when they were still at home? Just when the hell did these kids become company anyway?

On the bright side we have nice clean carpets for me to mess up again. I love getting that bone marrow from my bones on the carpet!

Friday, November 18, 2011

A Study in Goofy

While going through some pictures today I noticed how many goofy pictures I have of Lola. Most are out of focus and have bad lighting because she is way too nosy to have her picture taken and constantly circles whoever is holding the camera.  Tucker is the opposite, he actually poses, I can move his legs, his head, dress him up, etc. and he will "hold the pose". But he started young, I used him in a lot of the graphic packages I made and sold.  It's all he has ever known since he was 3 weeks old (Tucker had to come home early because his mother would not care for him and he needed round the clock care). I wish I had done the same with Lola as a baby. It is so frustrating to try to get shots of her. I have more bad pictures of this girl than I have good ones. Most of these you have seen before, some you haven't.

Today I celebrate the goofiness that is Lola.

This one came while trying to catch her in a yawn. Obviously I missed again, but this is my all time favorite goofy picture of her.

When Lola was about 5 months old she started "rolling". She would get on one side of the room and literally roll all the way to the other side without stopping. This was her in mid roll. She doesn't do this as much anymore. Now she jumps from one piece of furniture to another to cross a room.

She sleeps in some very strange positions, this is one of her favorites and never fails to make me laugh when I see it.

Sound asleep and honestly I don't know how she had her ears tucked so far back.

Lola, The Babushka Lady

Another favorite. She really does sit like this to watch TV. Give her a beer and a remote and she would bear a strong resemblance to my ex. Only she is cuter.

Playing with Her Boy. He was trying to do something and she would not get out of the way so he stuck her between his legs for a minute. She surprised us by not only liking it but by staying there for a long time. Now this is what he does with her to get her to leave him alone while he is doing something.

Lola pretending to be a French Bulldog. My son was playing around with her. You can tell she was about to fall asleep, she loves to have her ears messed with and it always makes her sleepy.

I love this one too. I have no idea why but every time she lays on her back if you hold your hand above her head in the "claw" position you will get this response.

Doing her best Marlon Brando impersonation

This came about by giving her a bit of peanut butter as a treat on laundry day. She lives for peanut butter and cookies.

She was laying on her back in Her Boy's arms while we talked, no clue what the girl was trying to do with her mouth in this one.

This is a typical Lola sleeping pattern. She almost always sleeps with her tongue out. You can play with that tongue all you want and it will not wake her up.

Lola has always had a thing about laying half on one thing and half on another. She rarely ever puts her whole body on just one thing. This is one of her favorite napping places. I caught her here as she was waking up.

I don't even know what she was doing here, but she looks very disgusted with something or someone. Probably me and the camera.

Her favorite place in the world, snuggled in Her Boy's arms. Not a goofy one but very cute.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Watching Mom...

Reality is really setting in. I can only assume when Mom said she was not cooking dinner today that she really means it. There are no smells coming from the kitchen and she says it's McDonald's for us tonight because she is being lazy today. Personally I thought she was lazy yesterday, but she disagrees. She says she actually got dressed yesterday and doesn't intend to do so today. So that makes her less lazy today? I say pancake ass is pancake ass no matter how you try to spin it!

A while back I watched and gave play by play on Tucker's activities for an hour. Today let's do Mom, although I fear she isn't going to be any more exciting than he was. The times are going to be a little "ishy" because even knowing I had to do my blog today the woman was too lazy to pay attention to the time. I did her laundry for her the other day and now she expects me to tell time too!?

7am-ish to 7:30am-ish: She rolls out of bed mumbling that it is way to early. Is she serious?! I haven't had a bite of food since I went to bed last night, this is NOT early! Being on the slimmer side of pugishness she knows I need to eat on time. That 2 am snack last night did not count. She stumbles to the bathroom, avoiding the mirror, very wise move on her part, and peed. Loudly, which triggered the wake cycle of Turdley Tucker. Great so now HE is up and will think he needs his seizure medicine before I get my food. I was right, she gave the little banshee his pill first.

7:30am-ish to 8:30am-ish: Finally, some food for me and coffee for her. She heads to the computer desk, taking Turdley Tucker with her so I won't have him as the second course for breakfast. I will wait, someday she is going to forget to take him and he will be mine. I finish my lovely breakfast and go looking for Mom to see what wonderful things she has planned today. There she is in all her glory, sitting on the couch, eyes half closed, wearing that ridiculous snowflake robe. The woman never even made it as far as the computer! I dance, I prance, I flip, I flop and get no response at all. I am pulling out every pug trick I know, being as cute as I can possibly be and still she just sits there. The only movement coming from her is the occasional jerk of the head when she dozes off and her chin hits her chest.

8:30am-ish to 9:30am-ish: That last head jerk was a doozy, even scared ole' Tucker, they did a tandem jerk. Made my day! She goes to get more coffee and this time makes it to the computer, snowflake robe still intact, only now I notice the PeeWee Herman sleep pants and T-shirt she has on under it. The divorce is starting to make more sense to me.

9:30am-ish to 10:30am-ish: She manages to get the computer turned on and then starts for the kitchen, she says she is hungry. I don't want to believe what I am seeing, I really don't. But there is it, right in front of me. No denying it. The woman is actually going to eat cold spaghetti! She walked right past that microwave like it wasn't even there and went back to the computer. I refuse to sit at her feet, the law of averages just tells me she is going to throw this mess up and I don't want to be in the line of fire. Tucker just may get his due sitting there in her lap. Oh great, now we have a spaghetti noodle stuck to PeeWee's face! No fear, Turdley Tucker does his best PeeWee Herman impersonation and sucks it right up. She reads her email. Manages to pay a couple of bills online and talks to Grammy on the phone. I do notice she doesn't bother to tell Grammy that she is still in her pj's and eating cold spaghetti. Understandable, I wouldn't be so proud of that either.

10:30am-ish to 11:30am-ish: She spends the next hour adding all her new pug friends on FB, joking around with Salinger's and Wilma's Mom on FB. I am going to have to ask Sal and Wilma what a pimp is. She does manage to carry her plate back to the kitchen during this time. I was a little surprised that she took the time to actually run the dishwasher though, considering how busy she is today. This woman really needs to go back to work! Still in that fantastic snowflake robe. She has added some furry green slippers to her attire now. Did I mention the snowflake robe is purple? Not even close to matching on the color scale. With each new addition she is starting to look more and more like she is auditioning for Sesame Street.

11:30am-ish to 12:30pm-ish: We have rolled over to the pm side of the clock and she still isn't dressed, informed us that not only is she NOT cooking or getting dressed today but that she intends to slug out in front of the TV this afternoon. She is going to send My Boy to McDonald's and the grocery store when he gets home. Now she says she is going to catch up on her  "Real Housewives of Atlanta", "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" and the "American Horror Story" that she has on DVR. I'm sure she watches them for the intellectual properties they offer.

So there you have it, my Mom's lazy day(s). Can't you just imagine how exciting the rest of the day is going to be around here? Oh well at least it is lunch time for me!

On the bright side I did find a leaf in the floor this morning to play with:

See it? Right there in the corner of the picture...

I sniff it....

Push it around a little bit...

Watch to make sure it isn't going to attack me...

And then move in for the kill....

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

What A Morning!

The day started off good, gray and rainy outside and snuggled up with my Mom in the bed. I was so snug and warm all curled up against my Mom. Then all hell broke loose around here.  Mom gets a text from the police department that a tornado is headed straight for where we live. The sirens go off. I start to howl. Mom gets up and gets dressed, saying she doesn't want her butt exposed if we get blown outside. I don't see what the big deal is, I LIKE exposing my butt to the elements. It's rather refreshing. But then again, my butt is a lot cuter than Mom's. Then my Grammy called in tears because she just KNOWS we are going to get blown away by the tornado.  So Mom calms her down, and makes us all promise to tell her we are in an underground cave in another town if she calls back. We pinky swear. She calls back, many, many times. Mom finally tells her we can't take cover if we are constantly having to answer the phone to reassure her we are taking cover. She stops. Good thing too, because then my other Grammy sees it on tv and SHE starts calling to make sure we are safe. Mom says we will be the only ones standing in the middle of the wind and hail on the telephone.  Anyway, it is all over for a while now and everyone is safe. I do still harbor the hope that someday the wind will catch Tucker's ears and carry him away.

My Boy was going to put me in the crate for safety, I wasn't liking it and was trying to get away.

Can you tell how impressed I was with the whole affair?