Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Preparing For Company=Crazier Than Usual Mom

Because Mom was too lazy to take a new picture of me today, you get a repeat.

It's no secret that my Mom is just not quite right about 99.9% of the time, it's just something we have learned to live with. But the last few days have been about as close to "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" as you can get around here. She hasn't even blogged.  So today I will attempt to catch you up. We are having company for turkey week and Mom says we have to prepare. I guess you just can't take the chance on people knowing how you REALLY live so in the human world they initiate a massive cover up mission. As for myself I don't really care. All I worry about is if they bring me treats when they come. They don't bring treats then they deserve to have to look at my turds on the potty pads all day. It's just basic manners, you never come without bringing the pug something to eat or play with.  Everybody knows that.  It all started on Friday.

Friday: Nurse Ratched gets up Friday already in a pissy mood. She gets dressed, I know that is hard to believe, but do scrubs and crocs really count? She flies out the door and comes back. She forgot her purse. She flies out the door and comes back. She forgot her reading glasses. She flies out the door and comes back. She forgot her phone. She flies out the door and doesn't come back. Since she didn't return for it I can only assume she left it on the coffee table for my chewing pleasure. I ate the stethoscope. You guys have to get you one of those things, man was it fun! Later she comes back and she is complaining about a stupid pharmacist that didn't know his scheduled drug list, wasted time, her favorite ER dr not being happy with the stupid pharmacist either, the rain, the traffic, her lunch order being messed up. She didn't have a good day. We all have them, get over it Mom. Fortunately for me it took her a few hours to notice the stethoscope. Mom wasn't happy, she said it was going to take a whole lot of treat money to replace it. What?! I have to pay for it? No way should I be the one that has to pay for it out of my treat money. I didn't leave it out. I'm going to discuss this with my Sissy's fiance when he gets here, he is an attorney and I am beginning to see I am going to need some legal representation over this one.

Saturday: Oh Lord, the woman got it in her head to clean carpets. Do you know what a carpet cleaner or vacuum does to me? Might as well give me some crack, I go crazy. Double whammy. She is going to vacuum before she cleans it. So Mom and I vacuum the house. She pushes the thing around and my job is to howl, scream and attack it until she is finished. Tucker, not being the brightest crayon in the box, only barks at the thing when it is turned off. He tucks tail and hides while it is on. Out comes the fun wet part! You can really slide on the kitchen floor when you have just ran across wet carpet so I am excited. Mom gets it all ready, furniture is moved out of the way, shampoo in the machine and we are all set. Then...nothing. Silence. The stupid thing won't come on and has trapped all that lovely bubbly water in it's stomach. I wanted it to vomit that water up and I wanted it to do it right then! It didn't. So Mom has to have it fixed and the fun is put off for another day. Good news is My Boy fixed it that night. We turn our attention to laundry instead.

Sunday: Pick up day! I don't quite get this concept of picking up so you can clean up, isn't it really the same thing? Why does it have to have it's own label? I'm thinking it's so Mom can say she did two things instead of one making it sound like she worked a lot harder than she actually did. That way she has an excuse for going out to eat. I don't like "out to eats" because I don't get to go and Miss Piggy isn't that great about leaving any food on the plate to bring home to me. Oh, she tries to blame it on the food, saying Mexican food isn't good for me anyway. Hello? I enjoy a good chili relleno too you know! So off they went to go eat. Wouldn't you know it, she comes home and declares she is now too full to do anything else. Who else saw that one coming? I could have pointed out to her that IF she had left a little on her plate for me then she wouldn't have been so full. Instead I just look at her in disgust and go chew on my de-stuffed chicken. Unlike her, I will just have to pretend there is meat on those floppy chicken legs. Life can be so unfair for a pug.

Monday: She leaves the house again and this time manages to actually leave without her usual "coming backs". She is gone and gone and gone. Big Brother, aka the video cam, watches my every move while she is gone. I really hate those smart phones that give her the ability to see what I am doing while she is gone. She ever figures out how to make that thing portable I am in big trouble! She threatens to put a collar on me and duct tape the camera to me. I think I can fight her off. When she comes home it is a wonderous sight! She has been to the grocery store. There isn't much I like better than Mom coming home from the grocery store. There are bags and bags of foodables everywhere, it's almost as good as going to Pet Smart. Then she tells me the groceries are for turkey dinner and not for me. Broke my heart. You would think the wench could throw a pickle in my direction or something. Anything. Did she really have to be that rude about it? My Boy saved the day, he had got me a big ole' box of my favorite thing in the world. Cheez-It's!!!! Yeah, I know what your thinking, but it's really just a technicality that Mom actually paid for them. What counts is My Boy remembered my Cheez-It's!

Tuesday: She says today is the day. Today we are going to really start getting this place in order because we are running out of time and our company will be here on Wednesday night. I really don't know who she thinks she is fooling. I mean, these people grew up in this house with Mom, they know she always frantically cleans before company comes. She isn't going to fool them into thinking it is ALWAYS this clean and shiny. They know better. Does she think someone zaps their brains when they grow up and move out?  Clearing out all those memories they have of having to participate in the "before company cleaning frenzy" when they were still at home? Just when the hell did these kids become company anyway?

On the bright side we have nice clean carpets for me to mess up again. I love getting that bone marrow from my bones on the carpet!


  1. I love messing up carpets too! And eating the stethoscope sounds like a blast!
    Kisses and Tail Wags,
    Dachshund Nola

  2. Lola, it's amazing all you have to put up with! You should totally get an award or a turkey leg or something. Have fun with your company!
    PS. I'm so sorry to hear that Tucker has seizures. Even though I know how you feel about him, no dog should have to go through that...or you mom. But I'm glad that his meds are working and he is a tough stinker!

  3. Well Lola, you may not think she's working hard but just reading all that tired me out! I hope you and your entire family have a most wonderful Thanksgiving!


  4. Did you say Cheez-It ... our favorites too! Liberty saw the doctor last week and mama was told we all need to lose weight. We haven't had any Cheez-Its for a week! Our mama did the same thing last week ... cleaned everything for company! We told her she was wasting her time ... it was going to get messy again! We hope you have a Happy Turkey Day! Love, Zoe, Peyton, Webster and Liberty

  5. Lola your mom makes me tired.


    PS I totally agree that you should NOT be paying for her mistakes with your treat money! Tell her to put that stethoscope away! It sure sounds like every bit her fault.

  6. Crazy humans! My mom just doesn't understand how awesome my balls of fur look on the floor!
    Love, Marlene
    Pee ess, my auntie has a stethoscope... I'll have to give it a taste!

  7. Lola, I think we have a lot in common. The humans are so clueless. Don't they realized that the trick to life is simply being a pug? Once you're a pug, you're set...oh yeah, I too love going to Pet Smart because it's great place to pee and poop. There's nothing I enjoy more than the human's cleaning my pee in public :P